Ah yes the corporate press release (or statement). A document that is carefully worded to not offend anyone or put an organization at legal risk. In some cases a paragraph sees so many revisions and passes by so many lawyers that the price-per-word must be higher than the per-capita income of many third-world countries. One of the original 95 theses of the Cluetrain promised us that:

In just a few more years, the current homogenized "voice" of business—the sound of mission statements and brochures—will seem as contrived and artificial as the language of the 18th century French court.

However, there will always be room for that legally-crafted statement. What's funny though, is that when they write that careful and bland sentence to say one thing, we all read it another way. Here are some examples.

In the case of a disagreement or debate on a sensitive topic:

They Write: We don't want to rush to judgement

We Read: We're not changing our minds.

They Write: We respect their opinion.

We Read: They're idiots.

They Write: The best course of action is to step back, let all parties have their say, and then build a consensus.

We Read: We're going to stall for time so we can continue to spin our position while dis-crediting our opposition under the false pretense that we care what they have to say.

In the case of a scandal:

They Write: It has been brought to our attention.

We Read: It's been all over the internet for weeks, but we just noticed it.

They Write: Our internal investigation has revealed.

We Read: We had a corporate-wide cover-your-ass session.

They Write: We're currently exploring all our options.

We Read: We have no idea what we're going to do.

They Write: We're re-stating our earnings.

We Read: We got caught.

They Write: We're preparing a statement

We Read: We have dozens of lawyers writing a paragraph that will hopefully deflect all blame and absolve us from any wrong-doing.

They Write: Our general counsel assures me...

We Read: The general counsel is pushing me to the wolves while he escapes to Brazil.

They Write: ...that we will prevail

We Read: We're screwed.

They Write: We're working with the proper regulatory agencies at this time.

We Read: We're really screwed and have tuned to bribes, blackmail, etc.

In the case of a employee departure:

They Write: He has left to pursue other interests.

We Read: He was fired.

They Write: I'm genuinely excited about the opportunities available to me.

We Read: Wow, I have no job, what am I going to do?

They Write: We wish him the best.

We Read: Our lawyers are waiting to revoke his severance should he violate his NDA.

In the case of a merger/acquisition:

They Write: Terms of the deal were not disclosed.

We Read: We're so desperate that we overpaid.

or We Read: We got such a deal, but we don't want to crush the ego's of the previous owners once everybody realizes they left money on the table.

They Write: It will allow our best minds to work together.....

We Read: The best minds are already packing their bags and leaving to work together on a new startup.....

They Write: ....for the long-term health of the company

We Read: ....they'll end up buying/crushing us in a few years.

Do you have any to add to the list?